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Game of Thrones: Season 7, Episode 2 recap WARNING: THIS POST IS DARK AND FULL OF SPOILERS

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The first one and three-quarter episodes of Season 7 of Game of Thrones were a bit like a game of chess, with a little bit of extra blood and poop thrown in. The pace was slow, building towards what we all know will be a huge finish.

The last quarter of Episode 2 gave us the first of these climaxes. Talking of climaxes…

Battle of the Eunuchs
GOT Varys.jpg
Go on, Grey Worm!

Everyone’s favourite Unsullied finally admitted his feelings (sort of) for Missandei, leading to the first sex scene of Season 7. After a brief hiatus, the boobs and dragons have returned to Game of Thrones.

We still don’t exactly know what parts of Grey Worm’s manhood were taken from him when he was a child, and we probably never will. Missandei didn’t seem too disappointed either way…it’s a good thing Unsullied soldiers don’t have their tongues cut out.

Elsewhere on Dragonstone, another eunuch was getting hot and sweaty, but for a different reason. Only a fool would trust Varys, and Daenerys seems to be suitably wary of ‘The Spider’.

Thankful for his influence in bringing Dorne and the Reach to her side she may be, but Dany chided Varys for his previous indiscretions – mostly his pretty poor track record at picking his leaders. God knows where he would have stood on Brexit. Either way, he managed to talk his way out of his predicament and was able to escape further punishment.

And so was the last of our ‘swordless soldiers’. However, Theon’s escape wasn’t quite so skilful or heroic. With Euron Greyjoy suddenly descending upon Yara’s Iron Fleet, he was reminded of his tortured past as Reek, and had to abandon ship. The look in Yara’s eyes was a picture: we all have that one little brother who is a pain in the ass.

We don’t know if Grey Worm has a worm, but we know Theon Greyjoy will never know joy again.

Euron Greyjoy – The butcher of the Blackwater
We’ve had Joffrey. We’ve had Ramsay. Enter Euron.

The latest evil Game of Thrones character came storming into action this week, putting Daenerys’ coalition of chaos to the sword. While Joffrey was pure pantomime villain and Ramsay was a…well, bastard, Euron looks like something else entirely.

“Come give your uncle a kiss!” is now a sentence that will sound creepier than ever after Euron came flying into action. We all have uncles we’d rather avoid, and while Euron won’t make you sit on his knee or tell you bad jokes, he will insist on murdering you if you cross him. Which makes family gatherings awkward.

Flying onto Yara’s ship like an even crazier, even more made-up Jack Sparrow, Euron cut his enemies down, capturing Yara and forcing the last of Theon’s bravery from him. Euron left behind a shattered fleet and hundreds of corpses. Among them were the Sand Snakes which, to be honest, we’re not exactly devastated about.

The daughters of Ellaria Sand were like the guests at the party who are still there at 4am, refusing to just let you go to bed. Sometimes, you need a crazy family member to force them to leave. Now they’re gone and we can all pretend that that bit of the story never happened. In a strange way, thank you, Uncle Euron.

Littlefinger is a creepy uncle
GOT Sansa Petyr.jpg
Ew, ew, ew. While Euron is a murderer and a madman, Petyr Baelish remains the most slippery, most smirky character in Westeros. With Jon Snow trying to convince his northern lords to go on a perilous journey south, Littlefinger did what he does best: stand in the corner, listen and smirk.

Later, he confronts Jon in the Winterfell crypts, probably for no other reason than to annoy the King in the North. Of course, he tells Jon his feelings for Sansa (seriously, how did he expect that to go for him?). For his troubles, he finds another Stark strangling him, which we can only assume gives Littlefinger some kind of arousal, given how many times someone from that family has wrapped their hands around his neck.

He may be creepy, but Littlefinger is fascinating to watch. He will have a big role to play and we’ll be happy to see him do his thing…as long as he keeps his little finger away from Sansa.

Embarrassing bodies: Westeros
We’ve seen flayed men, we’ve seen full chamber pots and we’ve seen brutal deaths, but this week gave us probably the grossest Game of Thrones scene of all.

With Sam deciding to defy his master and experiment on Jorah Mormont (who is starting to look pretty unwell), we were ‘treated’ to one of the most graphic moments of all. Underneath Jorah’s stony skin was a barrelful of pus. Loads and loads of pus. Sam must have felt like a hungover medical student doing his final exam. It didn’t make for pleasant viewing.

With Sam’s ‘cure’ coming along, the scene cut to a tavern in the Riverlands. A moment of levity perhaps, but you’ll probably never be able to eat a cheese pie again.

What next for Arya?
After finishing throwing up from that Jorah scene, we found Arya literally at a crossroads. We were reunited with Hot Pie (yay!), who is still baking his little heart out. A little late, he managed to give Arya some tips on making pies. The next time Arya makes a delicacy of her enemies, at least the crust will be a little tastier.

Finding out that Jon is now the King in the North, she decides to journey back to Winterfell instead of resuming Mission: Murder Everyone. It looks like another beautiful Stark reunion is on the cards…or is it?

Last week, Arya had a surreal meeting with Ed Sheeran in the woods, here she faced something a little more dangerous. Suddenly surrounded by wolves, Arya’s direwolf Nymeria appeared from nowhere. However, what looks like being a beautiful reunion turns bittersweet. The young Stark is not ripped to pieces (good news), but the huge wolf turns her back and returns to the wild (bad news).

What can it mean? Nymeria has had to fend for herself and has discovered her own destiny. Will Arya do the same? Like Nymeria, she has not seen any of her family for six seasons. Is it time for ‘Arry to make her own way? Probably. Watch out Cersei, Needle is coming for you.

Cersei has a big sharp trick up her sleeve
Arya may have a needle, but Cersei has a f**king massive crossbow. Touche.

We all knew the Mad Queen and Qyburn would have something to defend themselves against the coming invasion and it looks the King’s Landing’s R&D department have come up with something extra special.

The Dragonkiller 3000 is ready for action, and Cersei is not afraid to use it. After using fire at the end of Season 6, Cersei has something to use as a skewer in Season 7.

It all makes for a big old barbecue. Even Uncle Euron will be invited.

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1 Comment
Legend 5
Legend 5

Not the greatest episode but an unexpected battle at the end was a welcome addition. Dany really has no idea what she's doing going up against Cersei, it's not going to go to plan for sure! +1 for no more Ed singing